Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
SCARY COSTUME
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.