“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am: