Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
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I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.