When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
You Might Also Like
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My favorite farside!!
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.