I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
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There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?