And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
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Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side