I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
You Might Also Like
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats