@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
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My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*