Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
You Might Also Like
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Something Saturday.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day