If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
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Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.