The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
relationship goals
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses