Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
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wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.