My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months