Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
This is my cat’s medicine.