9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Admin smashed it 😂
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
A man of commitment.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.