GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
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My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh