If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
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COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*