If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
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“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Actually cracking up @ this
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
#milo
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.