[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
One of the best
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
This forever.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.