professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
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If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women