Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy