Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?