Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
You Might Also Like
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that