the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
You Might Also Like
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I need to update my racial profile.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.