ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
forgive me baja for i have blast
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
? 💀
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch