I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
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[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds