Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
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You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.