Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip