Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
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Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
@funTweeters
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.