I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized