If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait