If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
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Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
*launders Kohls cash*
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
When your man makes a valid point
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
man: wait
time: no