Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat