Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
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[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.