me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
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“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.