My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I wanna be friends with this person
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.