guilty
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I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?