how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Miscakes
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.