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Noah was an idiot.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
White parent Vs Arab parents
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.