My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?