insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.