“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
You Might Also Like
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
my dog when i have a friend over
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
mom had nothing to worry about
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.