Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
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Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
can you read it!!??
maan!
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.