Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
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[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
man i love columbo
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒