The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
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me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
This is Sparta
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
You have been warned.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
If you’re testing me, we failed.