So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies