One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
jesus, what did this guy do
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.