we did it you guys we saved daylight
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My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down