Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Stop sending me this shit.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
From my Mom
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Can. I. Help. You.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me: