Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
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My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me when someone tries to get to know me
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday